As I dropped my first grader off in her bright new classroom today, I am reminded of the tsunami of emotions that suffocated me last year at this time when I dropped her off in Kindergarten.
I really struggled last Fall. I questioned everything. Every past decision was pulled into the ring for a mental boxing match. The question that continued to struggle to it's feet after every hit was the desire to know if what I had done for my daughter was enough. Did I spend enough 'quality' time with her? Did I teach her enough? Does she understand how amazing her Dad and I think she is?
The job of parenting is one that is under constant scrutiny. Mom's can quickly move beyond curiosity about what other kids are doing to critical comparison of one kid to another. I'm guilty of this! It's so easy to say 'yes' with your actions when your heart and mind are reverberating 'no' but you refuse to listen.
After weeks of struggling last Fall, I ended up on my knees. I had to concede and bow out of the worldly fight. Only after I began to change the words to my questioning did I feel peace. Rather than asking myself and the world if I had done enough for my sweet girl, it came down to asking God if I was enough.
You see when I sent my third kiddo to Kindergarten, it ended a 10 year run of bring a stay-at-home mom. I had no idea what the future held for me.
My identity had been stripped away. I was no longer talking about potty training and naps. No one needed a pb&j with the crusts cut off at noon everyday. I was lost.
As I reflect back almost a year later I feel so blessed. My brokenness sparked a fire in my heart. I had to allow the fire to burn away my insecurities and God cleared away the ashes to carve out a fresh start for me.
Today I feel excited and renewed. I am anxious to see where God will lead me as I write what He prompts me to type and I speak what He calls me to deliver.
By realizing that I AM ENOUGH to the God who created me and equipped me to be a mom, I've come to discover by doing what He calls me to do, 'it' is always enough.