11-year-old me...

 

 

Would the little girl in you be proud of the woman you've become? 

As I watched my daughter celebrate another birthday this week, I spent a lot of time trying to remember what I was like at 11 years old.  It seems a little easier to remember what I wasn't.

I wasn't 'tech savvy'.....I'd never even heard that term!  I wasn't battling with my mom over shorts that were too short and shirts that were off the shoulder....based on the pictures I've found, I was still wearing baseball-jersey-type rainbow shirts!  I wore thick dorky glasses and a headgear at night.  I didn't beg for a phone, iPod touch, or new e-books.  I was fascinated by our new VCR and the sound of our dot matrix printer.

That's what was on the outside of me, but if I dig deep, I can excavate the inside of the 11-year-old me.  I was emotional.  I felt things deeply and I loved to write.  I could cry hard and laugh hard and I was in love with David Lee Roth and remember kissing the TV (yes, it was a giant console TV!) when JUMP was on Friday Night Videos.

Those memories make me smile and provide so much comfort as I worry about what I perceive as an obsession in our house with boy band, One Direction!  I roll my eyes each time she squeals when their songs come on the radio, but I must have done the same thing, and in retrospect, One Direction looks pretty clean cut compared to the rockers of Van Halen!

As I reach back to reconnect with the 11-year-old me, I'm left wondering if I even would have been friends with my daughter.  My first thought was, no way, I was way too nerdy and unattractive compared to the beauty that I find my daughter to be; too awkward and unsure of myself to befriend my kiddo.  Then comes the best part of the whole trip down memory lane....the lanes start to merge.

As a mom, I view my daughter as beautiful and confident.  Tech savvy and brilliant, a gifted writer and great athlete, but she doesn't see those things in herself.  She views herself much the same as I view my 11-year-old self.  Shaky and nervous, self-conscious and unsure, scared and excited all at the same time.  Trying to sort out complicated feelings and questions about boys, her body and friendships.

The lightening moment hits me when I realize how perfectly my daughter and I have been matched.  I heard early on in my parenting walk that we are each perfectly matched with our kids by God for all that they need from us and all that we need from them.  I have no doubt that our lanes have merged for His glory.

Have you reflected on your 11-year-old self lately?  Would that kiddo be proud of who you have become?  Would she or he roll their eyes at you or would they come to you as a confidante who they believed cared about them? Who is God merging your past and present with today?  Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Was It Enough?

 

Was it enough?

As I dropped my first grader off in her bright new classroom today, I am reminded of the tsunami of emotions that suffocated me last year at this time when I dropped her off in Kindergarten.

I really struggled last Fall.  I questioned everything.  Every past decision was pulled into the ring for a mental boxing match.  The question that continued to struggle to it's feet after every hit was  the desire to know if what I had done for my daughter was enough.  Did I spend enough 'quality' time with her? Did I teach her enough? Does she understand how amazing her Dad and I think she is?

The job of parenting is one that is under constant scrutiny.  Mom's can quickly move beyond curiosity about what other kids are doing to critical comparison of one kid to another.  I'm guilty of this!  It's so easy to say 'yes' with your actions when your heart and mind are reverberating 'no' but you refuse to listen.

After weeks of struggling last Fall, I ended up on my knees.  I had to concede and bow out of the worldly fight.  Only after I began to change the words to my questioning did I feel peace.  Rather than asking myself and the world if I had done enough for my sweet girl, it came down to asking God if I was enough.

You see when I sent my third kiddo to Kindergarten, it ended a 10 year run of bring a stay-at-home mom.  I had no idea what the future held for me.
My identity had been stripped away.  I was no longer talking about potty training and naps.  No one needed a pb&j with the crusts cut off at noon everyday. I was lost.

As I reflect back almost a year later I feel so blessed.  My brokenness sparked a fire in my heart.  I had to allow the fire to burn away my insecurities and God cleared away the ashes to carve out a fresh start for me.

Today I feel excited and renewed.  I am anxious to see where God will lead me as I write what He prompts me to type and I speak what He calls me to deliver.
By realizing that I AM ENOUGH to the God who created me and equipped me to be a mom, I've come to discover by doing what He calls me to do, 'it' is always enough.

Perspective

Perspective

I was sitting a few chairs away at the nail salon this from three very chatty, very giggly girls.  The three soon-to-be-freshmen young ladies were talking away about high school starting in just a few days.  I couldn't help but overhear a fellow '40-something' customer who was seated next to them offering them some unsolicited advice.   "Just be yourself and you'll do great!" she suggested.  "Don't worry if you're a little boy crazy, I was, and I turned out just fine."

I'm always been fascinated by the way we are so free to offer advice to others.  Don't we love to throw out our insight like candy at a parade? The problem is that our advice is always tainted with a perspective....ours!  It's never neutral.

What is God's perspective on your life? What does He see from His vantage point?  What advice would He offer you?

In an exercise to help 'visualize' their faith, I took my teen small group through a challenge of finding magazine pictures encouraging them 'see' what their relationship with God looks like. 

My favorite picture came from a sweetie who grew up in the church and was an expert in 'bible speak' (she could answer any question with the text book answer...whether she felt it in her heart or not).  It was a beautiful Fall scene torn from Better Homes & Gardens of a bistro table and two chairs surrounded by colorful landscaping.  It was such an intimate setting.

"This is how I view my relationship with God right now," she explained.
"He's sitting there waiting for me through all seasons, and I'm not showing up."

Awesome honest perspective.  What does your relationship with God look like?  If He's sitting on your patio waiting on you, get out there and make Him at home, in your heart.

Red Light, Green Light

Red light, green light

Did you ever play that game as a kid?  I loved it...one person would stand in front of a large group of kids and dictate how quickly the mob could move forward based upon the quick color commands of the leader.  The challenge for the leader was always to allow for movement among the troops, but not enough to let them reach the line too quickly.

When I was "it" I loved to switch from red to green as quickly as possible never allowing for a hint of yellow.  It was stop or go, no in between and I relished the chance to draw out the game as long as possible.

In the book of Second Samuel 11:1-27, King David orchestrated his own game of Red Light, Green Light.  While his Israelite Army was at war, the King stayed behind in Jerusalem.  He was enjoying his castle grounds one afternoon, and he took notice of a woman on a neighboring terrace and invited her over for a visit.  (green light)  The neighbor wasn't just any woman, it was Bathsheba, the wife of one of David's highest ranking officers, Uriah.  (green light) After an evening of dining together, Bathsheba ended up in King David's bed. (green light, green light, green light) Yes, King David committed adultery with Bathsheba all while her husband was off fighting the war.  The next morning perhaps the King panicked, because he quickly sent her home. (finally, red light)

Things were quiet for a while until word travelled to David that Bathsheba was pregnant.  Obviously, with her husband at war, it was clear that the baby must be King David's.  (green light) Now David had to find a way to explain the pregnancy away, so he called Uriah home from battle to sleep with her. (red light)  What David was not anticipating, was his soldier's loyalty and commitment to the battle.

When David sent Uriah home to spend the night with his wife, he refused.  His loyalty was to his men on the battle lines and he refused to be distracted by physical desires.  (this was obviously not a concept David had encountered before) (red light)  After a night of having Uriah as his guest, the king decided to up his game and he wined and dined him, hoping his intoxication would wear away his honor, but no such luck.  Uriah slept another night on a mat with the servants at the castle.  (red light)

King David was at his wits end.  He needed action and he needed it quickly.  King David sent Uriah back to the front line of battle with an executive order for Joab, Uriah's direct commander.  The note instructed Joab to place Uriah in a position that would cause him to be killed immediately.  (green light) Although Joab, might have wondered why, he didn't get caught up in questioning the King and he followed King David's orders and Uriah was killed.

Word of the death travelled back to Jerusalem quickly and the grieving began.  "When Uriah's wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him." 2 Samuel 11:26.  (red light)  The appropriate length of mourning began and all the while Bathsheba's baby continued to grow.  "After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son." 2 Samuel 11:27a
(green light) 

So it's a fairytale ending, right?  Guy sees girl, falls in love, marries her and has a child, perfect.  Except for the adultery, deception and murder.  To the passerby, King David might appear to be a hero who rescued and widow and raised another man's child.  But the story is not over, the moral of the story comes in the final verse of the chapter.  "But the thing David had done displeased the Lord." 2 Samuel 11:27b.

No matter how perfect things may appear, we can't escape God's view.  He sees what goes on behind closed doors when we think our small lies and go unnoticed.  His plan for us is detailed in red and green in the bible.  There is no screaming through a yellow light to escape a red mistake.  It is only when we walk in His truth that we can understand the grace of forgiveness that He offers and our desire to walk in God's light, whether it is red or green, is all we need.  

Love notes...

I get overwhelmed with parenting some days.  There are times I truly think I should be fired.  I say 'no' way more than I say 'yes' and I seem to butt heads with my oldest about something nearly everyday.  From pop stars to clothing, her perceived need for a cell phone and my embarrassing behavior when I speak to most anyone she knows, it has become a bit of an uphill battle.

Please do not misunderstand, I adore my daughter, she is beautiful and creative and so fun to be with that I can't wait to share the rest of my life with her, but some days I wonder if I'm cut out for this job.  I'll admit I am not the most fun mom around.  I won't allow her to have a Facebook account and I screen most things she is allowed to watch, but her Dad and I are not withholding Aeropastle or I-tunes or sleepovers...that would be crazy! (snicker...) 

We have a few non-negotiables though and one of them is God.  We insist on AWANA's and weekly church.  We talk about our faith and we look for ways to serve others.  Bible studies and small groups are hosted in our home weekly and we try to live our beliefs.  Sometimes we fail miserably and we rely on God's grace and forgiveness to try again to love as He loves us.

It gets messy and sometimes and I lose hope that we are breaking through to our beautiful princess.  Then something amazing happens.  God sends a love note.  I mini pep rally created just for me at just the right time.  This week my inspiration came in the note you see above.  It was tucked in the top corner of my daughters' mirror, a simple affirmation to me that God has this covered.  Amongst the Justin Bieber posters and the One Direction clippings, was a love note.  A note sent just when I needed it to a tired mom who was feeling worn down by the world.

The note was a reminder that I need to stay the course.  That my daughter is listening.  That although the media influences are strong and the desire to fit in with her clothing and material things is stifling, He is still carving out a piece of her heart too. God is that still small voice that is speaking to her heart and He's speaking to mine too.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalms 139:14

What is it to be fearfully and wonderfully made?  I believe it relates back to our value as God's sons and daughters.  When you consider what monetary item you value most, what comes to mind?  Is it your jewelry, photographs, your furniture; perhaps it is your car that means the most to you.  When you consider the "thing" that really excites you, put it to the test.  Is your string of pearls "fearfully and wonderfully made"?  How about the car, is it a masterpiece perfectly constructed for an amazing purpose?  No material object can make that claim.

Human beings are the only "things" that can be fearfully and wonderfully made by God.  We are created with such intricacy and forethought that each of us is as unique as a snowflake. I believe that and have great appreciation for that fact, but what about those days when I hate my body.  When I feel it is betraying me and I am beyond frustrated by my physical imperfections?  

Four years ago I received a diagnosis, not a death sentence, but a life changing diagnosis.  I have a chronic autoimmune liver disease that, as of today, does not have a cure.  Most days I take my medicine and rarely think about it.  Then there are days that I struggle with fear and hopelessness and anxiety supplemented by intense itching.  It can drive me crazy.  It's the kind of itching that makes you want to peel back your skin like the husk on an ear of corn.  I endure, and after a few weeks, it subsides and all is well with the world.

How can I, in the dark overnight hours when I am itching and want nothing more than an escape from my physical body, be fearfully and wonderfully made?   The only way I can make sense of it is through the truth that my value to Him never changes.  When the episodes are over and I regain perspective, I imagine our Heavenly Father whispering words of love to me.  A kind embrace and a warm touch ensuring me that He was with me through the night and when I reached the abyss of exhaustion, He held me and put me to sleep.

When our kids were little and sometimes past the point of exhaustion, my sweet husband would wrap them in his arms and hold them tight through the crying until they finally gave up and reluctantly slid into a deep slumber.  I used to hate watching it and had such a difficult time listening to them cry, but he knew that we had to override their desire to stay awake to reset their small body clocks. 

God loves us even more than we love our own children.  His value for us is priceless.  Why don't we treat ourselves and others accordingly?  You are worth more than a car, a new wardrobe, a designer purse, God adores you and when you don't act like it, the most amazing thing happens, He loves us anyway.

Sun addict...

 

I am a sun addict.  I love it.  The heat on my face, the smell of coconut oil, the reflection on my hair as I jockey for the perfect direction of rays blazing in through my car sunroof when I run to Target.

It began early for me...alternating mineral oil and baby oil as I greased up my skin preparing for maximum sun exposure when the weatherman promised a 'high sun index' day ahead.

Many July afternoons, my high school girlfriends and I would reposition our lawnchairs each hour like the arm of a sundial.  When I began working at the local pool in my hometown as a lifeguard, I'd volunteer to cover extra hours for swim lessons, secretly plotting to bask in the mid-morning rays before the pool opened to the public at noon.

I love the sun.  I'm also a well-educated woman.  I've read the studies that say I'm likely to encounter skin cancer in the years ahead.  The suspicious moles on my neck and back make me nervous, on occasion, but not worried enough to send me under the umbrellas and shade trees.  I've watched the sobering YouTube videos pleading with me to rethink my addiction, I've seen the leathery skin of 70+ year old sun lovers, yet I persist.

I try to imagine what would cause me to seek shelter in a cabana, to lather up with 50+ SPF, it's a tough call.  I'd love to say that my family members prompting would stop me, but it hasn't yet.  The sunburns marked with blisters and peeling haven't made a difference either.  Is God weighing in on this area
of my life?  Is my assertion that my love of the sun is a way to enjoy His creation just a crazy justification?

The decision is mine.  I will step into the shade when the benefits outweigh the risks, but for now I'm not ready.  It's my normal and I can find enough sun loving friends who help me feed my addiction.  We sweat it out together at our kids ballgames and swim meets.

What is your addiction and what would it take for you to give it up? 
What has become so normal for you that you have no desire to change? 
Is it the music you listen to or the shows you watch?  Have you allowed yourself to partake for so long that you haven't got a clear perspective?
Is God whispering? Lean in and be still. 

I'll be listening....in the sun.

Grateful not grumbling...
Could purity of thought include positive thinking?  If we box in the concept of purity with the rigid confines of sex and intimacy, we're missing all the areas of our lives that can so easily be targets of impure thoughts and feelings.

(NIV) Proverbs 15:26 says, "The LORD detests the thoughts of the wicked, but those of the pure are pleasing to him."

When I am moaning and groaning and whining about what I don't have and how unfair my circumstances are, I can sound as wicked as any witch in the East or the West.  I can whine about having nothing to wear,  but when I move from grumbling to grateful the tables are turned.

My thoughts determine my attitude and by walking in the PURE light of His blessings, I am not a puppet who is responding to life based on the fleeting material inadequacy I may be saddled with in the moment.
So often I battle my 'flesh woman'....the part of me that judges others quickly and makes snap decisions based on external appearances.  I fail to see things through the shadow of the cross.  I want to jump to conclusions and analyze others actions through my skewed lens of personal perspective rather than stepping back and seeing a new viewpoint.

God's reflection is so much larger, it covers more ground than I can even recognize when I'm grumbling and passing judgement about what I think I see at the moment.  He covers every situation with His PURE grace and until I begin to frame my encounters with the shadow of the cross, my potentially gratefully heart will stay hidden.

John 3:16

I'm not a fan of tattoo's, but if I were, this graphic would be a good candidate.  Is there any better representation of how deeply you are loved by your creator?  You are worth waiting for!

PINC...

Purity is no compromise.  That's a bold statement and one that God laid on my heart 3 years ago when I began exploring what purity means in the lives of the teens and tweens I'm blessed to be surrounded by.  God tapped on my heart three years ago after I had been volunteering as a small group leader with the teens of our church in the Northwest Chicago Suburb of Huntley, Illinois. 
As He lovingly does, if calls you to a ministry, He equips you to fulfill it...but obedience is the primary tool you must supply.
I invite you on a journey with me as I explore what purity means in the lives of those around me, not only sexual purity, but purity of thought, action and deed.   Let's set out together as we seek His face in a world calling us to conform to the desires of the world.